"As close as possible without threatening your seed."

I’m probably going to lose my day job because I’m laughing so hard that I’m about to cry.

First, some background.

As much as I love the action movies, most of my favorite TV shows and movies are comedies. What can I say? I like the escape. I want to be taken someplace funnier and more exciting than the place I’m in.

Two of my all-time favorite comedies are Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre, from director Jared Hess.

Lots of people look down on these movies because they think they’re stupid.

My argument is that it takes a lot of intelligence and skill to make something that looks so deceptively dumb.

That subtle brilliance is what I’m such a big fan of Mr. Hess’s work.

And if you ask me who my favorite person (who isn’t Tina Fey, whom I love more than my own pancreas) currently starring in a television series is, I’d be hard-pressed to come up with someone who makes me laugh more than Jemaine Clement, who plays Jemaine on HBO’s hilarious comedy series Flight of the Conchords.

Go buy the DVDs. Better yet, just come to my apartment and I’ll cook something and we can laugh at them together; Jemaine’s dry humor and cracker-jack timing are comedy gold and you really need to see it for yourself.

And now, he’s starring in a new movie directed by … Jared Hess.

It’s called Gentlemen Broncos. Jemaine plays a famous science fiction author named Ronald Chevalier, who steals a teenager’s idea for a fantasy novel and authors it himself.

Shenanigans will undoubtedly result from this.

And they’ll be funny.

Anyway, marketing for the movie is starting to pick up, and part of it is this hilarious website for Jemaine’s Ronald Chevalier character:

Official Website: Ronald Chevalier

It’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen, and it perfectly captures the pretentious manner in which many science fiction writers seem to conduct themselves.

Look at some of those book titles! Brain Cream. Cyborg Harpies.

Ha!

And the cover gallery of his early works!

Including …

That’s the most awesome thing I’ve ever seen.

And if that’s not enough, there’s this hilarious video of Chevalier explaining relaxation techniques:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_NtdCq0-Qn8]

Please watch it. I’ll wait for you until you’re done.

“As close as possible without threatening your seed.”

Ha!

The funniest thing about this to me is that Dr. Ronald Chevalier is about as unlike Jemaine’s character on Flight of the Conchords as can be.

So there you go, gang. I’m really excited about this one.

The Whatever: Star Wars Edition

Monday means it’s time for another edition of …

… and, as always, you can check out previous installments and contribute to your heart’s content.

I don’t know what to make of this Star Wars: The Clone Wars animated thing that’s coming to a theater near us this Friday, but I know what I think of the other Star Wars movies, so …

Tell me your five favorite Star Wars movie moments.

1. I love it in Return of the Jedi, when Luke is walking the plank and he stops at the edge and the music lets you know something big is coming. He jumps off — what?! — but spins around in mid-air, catches the edge of the plank, flips himself back up on the skiff, and catches the lightsaber that R2-D2 just fired at him from atop Jabba’s barge, all while the music swells and explodes into crazy awesomeness. I love the little look he gives the lightsaber when it ignites without blowing his hand off, kind of like, “Whew, I actually made this thing correctly.” The green blade was a big thing for me as a kid, too, because that was cool and new.

2. Leia: “I love you.” Han: “I know.”

3. Han’s mumbling jabber with the intercom in the Death Star’s detention center. “Everything’s perfectly all right now. We’re all fine here, now. Thank you. How are you?” And then when he realizes the jig is so far up that there wasn’t really even a jig in the first place, he shoots the microphone as if that’s going to solve anything. “Luke! We’re going to have company!” Honorable mention to the fact that Luke, Han and Chewie are all facing the wrong way when the elevator opens and they have to turn around. I laugh every time; that’s the kind of humor and wit I missed in the crappy prequels.

4. The look on Lando’s face when he sees Luke for the first time in the hallway on Bespin, leading to a shootout between Luke and Boba Fett and Leia’s warning to Luke that it’s a trap (as if he would have listened to anybody at that point anyway), and then it all builds to the dangerous elegance of the lightsaber duel between Luke and Darth Vader on the stairs of the carbon-freeze chamber on Bespin.

5. The look on Han’s face when he finally gets it that Leia loves Luke because … he’s her brother. Classic.

Your turn!

And if you don’t Star Wars, just give me five reasons why you think it’s silly.

Bat-School: Let's cast the next one!

This article contains SPOILERS for the ending of The Dark Knight, but that’s okay, because surely you’ve seen it by now, right?

Tell me what characters you’d like to see in the next movie … and cast them.

Given Batman’s fugitive status at the end of The Dark Knight, I think it’s about time he met Selina Kyle, a.k.a Catwoman.

And I’m not talking about the Selina Kyle from Batman Returns, who was nothing like the Selina Kyle from the comics (even though Michelle Pfeiffer’s performance as Catwoman is hot, hot, hot, hot, hot).

And I’m not talking about the version of Selina who’s a hooker-turned-thief from the often inspired but childishly vile imagination of Frank Miller in Batman: Year One.

I’m talking about the Selina Kyle from the pages of two of my all-time favorite Batman stories, The Long Halloween and Dark Victory, which really set up the “mobsters and freaks” dynamic that works so amazingly well in The Dark Knight.

Photo stolen from this guy

As written by Jeph Loeb and drawn by Tim Sale, this Selina Kyle is a gorgeous society girl who steals partly for thrills, partly to rile up Batman in more ways than one, and partly because she just happens to be …

[SWIPE THE WHITE AREA BELOW WITH YOUR MOUSE TO REVEAL A PLOT TWIST]

… the illegitimate daughter of Carmine “The Roman” Falcone, played quite awesomely by Tom Wilkinson in Batman Begins.

How awesome is that? It would fit in perfectly with what Team Nolan has already established in their Batman universe, and, like I said, I think Bruce Wayne needs a gal like Selina Kyle in his life after the events of The Dark Knight.

(The thought of seeing a scene of Selina Kyle played against Michael Caine’s Alfred makes me happy.)

And my pick to play Selina is …

… Rachel Weisz.

(Going back in time a bit, I remember telling my friend Lauren shortly after we’d seen Batman Begins that I wanted Maggie Gyllenhaal to play Selina Kyle. My wish of seeing Maggie in a Batman movie did come true, but she was cast as Rachel Dawes instead.)

Rachel is a phenomenal actress who’s no stranger to physicality in movies; see the Mummy flicks and Constantine for examples. (Also notice how the latest Mummy movie felt woefully flat without her.)

She’s beautiful in a timeless kind of way, and she can be ridiculously sexy, and I can really see her fitting right in with the likes of Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Gary Oldman and Morgan Freeman.

And since Nolan likes to present realistic versions of the characters, I can see her burglar outfit being more in line with the one Adam Hughes draws so beautifully:

It’s cool and it’s functional and it’s not silly or slutty.

Just imagine a now-fugitive Batman still taking his fight to the mob but dealing with interference from Catwoman, all while Bruce Wayne romances Selina Kyle on the society circuit. Work that in with her lineage that I whited out above, and you’ve got a winner.

And since Catwoman and the Riddler worked so well together (as characters) in the Loeb/Sale miniseries Catwoman: When in Rome, I’d put the Riddler in the next Batman movie, too.

Not as the flamboyant Frank Gorshin version from the old TV series, and certainly not the ridiculous Jim Carrey version.

No green suit.

No purple cane shaped like a question mark.

I’d make the Riddler a master strategist.

Ra’s Al Ghul challenged Batman’s will.

The Joker challenged Batman’s very soul.

I want the Riddler to challenge Batman’s mind.

Can you imagine a story where the Riddler sets up twisted mind-games to toy with Batman’s brain, with twisted, catastrophic results if Batman fails?

Think about the tone and the mood that Christopher Nolan built in The Prestige, and then imagine what he might do with the Riddler in one of his Batman movies.

I think it would be awesome.

And my choice for the Riddler is …

… Casey Affleck.

Earlier this year I ended up buying two Casey Affleck movies on the same day: Gone Baby Gone and The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.

In the former, he goes capably toe-to-toe with Morgan Freeman and Ed Harris; in the latter, he holds his own like a champ against one of the most fascinating Brad Pitt performances you’ll ever see.

Take the confidence he showed in Gone Baby Gone and mix that with the nearly-creepy oddness — which grew into more confidence over the course of the film — he displayed in Jesse James and you’ve got one scary customer who could absolutely send chills down our spines.

I know that some of you will jump on this and say that he’s not an obvious choice.

But do you know who else wasn’t an obvious choice initially?

Heath Ledger.

And we all know how that worked out, now, don’t we?

So, yeah. Those are my picks for the villains and actors for the next Batman movie: Rachel Weisz as Selina Kyle and Casey Affleck as one seriously dangerous Riddler.

Your turn!